Red Flags & Relationship Advice via /r/dating_advice
Red Flags & Relationship Advice
So this is my first post on Reddit. I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 14 months. She's 32, I'm 33. I know all relationships have their challenges, and ours is no exception. Although lately I feel like I can only think of negative memories instead of positives.
Since the beginning I've noticed several red flags in our relationship:
1) first one was that she said she was in love with me before we met in person (we talked for about a month before meeting).
2) About 1 month of dating we had given each other our passwords to our phones. I didn't have anything to hide. One night when I was at her house I went to the bathroom and left my phone in her room. She went into my phone and looked at my Facebook messages and noticed a Convo I'd been having with a female friend who I'd known for about 10 years. Myself, this friend of mine, and her ex had always hung out and went to the casino together and gambled, but I never wanted to date her although she claims she wanted to date me. My gf knew this. We were talking about hanging out at the casino again. My gf was mad about that and i told her there wasn't any ulterior motives there on my part, and in hindsight I should've told my gf about it. I told my gf I wouldn't talk to her anymore. My gf had been cheated on by a couple of ex boyfriends and was insecure and had trust issues with men in general. Throughout the beginning of the relationship I could feel her projecting her insecurities and trust issues onto me while I had nothing to do with what happened to her. It was uncomfortable.
3) About another month or so my gf was having a rough day at work and I was letting her vent to me and at some point I told her she needed to calm down. Now I know in the history of the world that has that never worked on anyone. In any case, I went to chat with a close friend of mine to the fact that I was just trying to help my gf out. It was also her time of the month. My friend and I made some jokes and had a laugh about it. My gf snooped my Facebook messages again and found this convo between me and my friend. Although I said some things that weren't nice, I began to feel disrespected by my gf for her snooping.
4) Three months in - I took a trip with my gf to visit her sister in Florida. It was a great trip! When we got back, she started talking about getting married but we'd only been dating for about three months and I told her it was waaaaay too soon. My reasoning was that I needed more time to get to know her fully. Seems reasonable right? Her argument was that I already knew everything about her but I didn't feel that way. It seemed like we argued about this for a week until she finally backed down. One of her arguments also was that her mom had been having several health issues and didn't know how much longer she'd be around. She said that she really wish for her mom to see her get married before she dies. Although I understood the sentiment I didn't think that was a reason to get married.
5) About five months in, we started talking about moving in together although I didn't really feel totally ready for this. Her lease ended in June and so she needed to find another place to live. To my knowledge she never looked for any other place. We talked about her moving into her parents place til the end of last year until I was more comfortable with her moving into my place. But with her moms health issues, her parents decided it wouldn't have been good to have her around. So she tells me one month before her lease is up that she has to move in with me. Another reason I didn't want her to move in sooner was that she has a lot of medical debt that she put on credit cards and doesn't make much money at her job. So she doesn't contribute to rent,utilities, etc. in fact I had to make my case to her to just get her to pay for groceries to which her solution was for me to just give her $75 a week. By no means am I greedy or selfish, but I believe there should be a contribution. She does cook and contribute some to groceries now? Although she said she'd do all the cleaning but I do most of that. When I found the news about her having to move in with me I was mad. I felt like I had no choice or voice in the matter and in a way I didn't feel anything for my gf anymore.
6) After she moved in, she immediately said all of my stuff was hers and her stuff was mine.Which I disagreed with. I said my stuff is my stuff, her stuff is her stuff, and if we buy something together it's our stuff. I didn't have any issues with her using any of my stuff as long as she asked. She felt like she didn't have to ask. Am I crazy or is that completely disrespectful?
7) October (nine months in) - the tension between my gf and I is still fairly high. We are at a friends wedding and we have an argument. After it's over, I messaged two female friends on Facebook (mainly for advice, prob not the best decision in hindsight). Later that night after we are home, I fall asleep. She at some point gets up and looks at my phone while I am sleeping. She finds the messages and there is nothing bad there, just a simple hello how are you doing? One of the girls is the same one I knew for 10 years and the other is one I knew from church that helped me when my ex and I broke up. My gf wants to talk about it and is wondering Why i messaged these girls. I tell her that I was mad and needed someone to talk to about the argument we had earlier. She immediately accuses me of looking for a hookup which for myself I am not that type of guy and neither are these women.
8) About a month or so ago, my gf tells me she is paranoid and felt like I was talking to other women. I found this a little odd, but I was honest with her in saying that I haven't been talking to any other girls inappropriately or overstepping my boundaries with our relationship. About a week later, we are both sitting on the couch relaxing after work and I'm looking at my phone just surfing the web. She asks me what I'm doing and I casually say 'oh nothing'. Little do I know this made her even more paranoid. That night while we are both sleeping, she gets up around 5am in the morning and I kid you not, takes my phone and goes into the bathroom with it! I only know because I happened to wake up when she got up and noticed her do it. I literally cursed and screamed in my head and wanted to rip the bed sheets in half. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep that night. After work that day, I confronted her about. I told her it wasn't fair, it isn't respectful, and it isn't healthy to do what she did. And told her I'm a good guy and not a cheater or a sneak or a liar. I told her that although I had been talking to one of my female friends it was only casual and nothing inappropriate and if she wanted to look at my phone she could. Although that wouldn't have helped in the long run. She admitted what she did was wrong and has gone to a counselor twice to talk about her issues and is going a 3rd time in a couple of weeks.
9) I am a season ticket holder for the ravens, I go to the games with some friends and hang out all day. She knew I would be there. I found out she messaged my one friend asking if I was ok because I hadn't responded to some of her texts after a while. I feel like this shouldn't irk me but it does.
Although my gf has plenty of good qualities, I can't seem to overcome all of these
negative events. Am I being gullible that this will get better or should I keep pushing on?
I know it's ok to have some insecurities and trust issues, But after the 2nd time she snooped I asked for her to come talk to me instead of snooping on me. I'm struggling with the fact that maybe I'm putting up with too much and being too nice. I am looking for some sound advice/guidance on this. Are my claims to the red flags legit or am I being too dramatic?
Thank you in advance for reading all of this and offering your feedback.
Submitted March 06, 2017 at 10:58PM by Mmassi1
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